Please, God.

God, please send me an angel of comfort with swift wings and is on a double espresso high.

Just Saying..

Honestly...

There is a difference between getting through and getting over something.

Take your pick.

Robbed

Car farts assaulting up my nostrils
As the uncouth engine of the jeepney whirred noisily
waiting to be aggravated into motion.

Radio was clamoring
"I like how it feels, oh-oh-oh-oh"

A lanky boy of maybe, nineteen
Slender and clean shaven
In his after work clothes
of a polo shirt and slacks
climbs onboard this clankity disgrace of a vehicle.

I like how it feels, oh-oh-oh.

He sits in front of me.
An innocent curve upon his lips
as he pulls out his fare pay
and cellular phone.

Giddily, it seems..
He presses away on his machine,
letter per letter
Eyes fixated on the text being birthed
onto the small glowing monitor.

With a final tap, he sends his message.
An unbridled scream of joy bursting from
within that innocent curve upon his lips
Awaiting intently for a response.

I like how it feels, oh-oh-oh-oh

To be young, and foolish and inlove.

"Para"
I called and got off the jeepney.

To be young, and foolish and inlove.
I like how it feels, oh-oh-oh.

Sigh.

04-30-12

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start

If only the secrets of life and all that pertains to it, can be deciphered through some sort of Konami Code that would allow me full access to all the potential shortcuts to get what I want, then that would be..

a boring, un-challenging life.

But at least, I'll win every time...

...or not.

Sadly, there is no cow level..

Goodbye, Love

Roger: Who are you to tell me what I know, what to do?
Mark: A friend.


Roger: But who, Mark, are you? "Mark has got his work", they say "Mark lives for his work and Mark's in love with his work" Mark hides in his work.
Mark: From what?


Roger: From facing your failure, facing your loneliness, facing the fact that you live a lie.
- Goodbye Love, Rent

In an attempt to drain myself to the point of mind-numbing exhaustion, I've volunteered my weekends (my, perhaps, only salvation to physical respite and mental defragmenting) to a seemingly overindulgent series of activities that would eventually merit me the burnout that I've, theoretically, deemed best for my present state of mind. High dosages of stress, both work related and otherwise, have already caused me a waning appetite for food and conversation, and I wonder how much further before I finally submit into the realm of complete withdrawal and depression. I guess my purpose for this seemingly self-destructive exposure is to drown out the annoying humdrum of my emotional confusion. In the state of tiredness, one is permitted the luxury of a peaceful rest, of a silenced mind, of a numbed-out soul.

During one of our midnight conversations, I've confessed to a friend my theory regarding feelings that subtly creep in the backdoor of your mind and go boogieing senselessly throughout the night. I've often wondered how in the light of day, I am mostly confident of myself, my abilities and most importantly, my decisions; but as the day kneels down to be blanketed by night, my steadfastness and confidence begin to shrivel into an abhorrent ball of self-pity and self-doubt. I begin to question the legitimacy and soundness of even the most logical of my decisions and at times, would act completely against my agreed mental terms (with myself), appeased disappointingly, though hopefully not regrettably, with a weak emotional justification. In the end, recognizing this to be a weak point, I've tried to keep my alone time as occupied as I possibly could, to detour my thoughts into other, less emotionally fueled workings - lest it be some creative work.

If only I can fashion a different and better approach in curbing this emotional avalanche from causing unspeakable destruction, believe me, I would've tried it.Lying in bed, surrounded by pillows and unspoken (and perhaps unrealized) emotions, I slowly become consumed in some of the craziest fantasies that often would prove impudent had it been conceived in the lucidity of day and clear headed contemplation. I begin to question my motives, my feelings and my decisions. I question my life and my achievements. I question reality, or the one that I seem to be existing in my physical state of consciousness.

It is in these moments, I feel the weight of being alone. My life is mine alone, and so shall all decisions that shall pass through me. I shall bear the burden of all my choices, and that is mine alone to comprehend and mother. In the absence of sleep, while everyone else have so happily succumbed to their rest, I struggle to achieve the same rest in vain, and this I would have to deal with alone. How often I have reached for the warmth of a hand to comfort me in my distress of insomnia, and how often I grasp an unresponsive one - increasing my frustration over my isolation, despite the presence of others.

Funny how people keep saying that no man is an island, for no man can be complete without the aid of others. But similarly, no man can depend upon others, as each one would go through the motions of his own personal tribulations - carrying his own cross, with all its weight and sentimental meanings, of which no other can completely share.

I wonder when this inexorable crush that's been choking me and thwarting my sanity will eventually subside. I wonder indeed. Until then, I shall be submitting myself in the service of my many niceties - smiling and praying that this internal loneliness shall too pass.

All Things Will Unwind

Coming back from my non-blogging sojourn, I realized how neglected my little epiphanies on life have become. Stagnating at the bottom of my brain, decomposing hardly into anything that can be passed off as fertilizer to fuel more healthy, provocative thoughts.

I must admit, since the past year, I've encountered several turns in the wheel of life. Quite a handful of devastating, heart wreaking incidents have crippled me for some period, but somehow tempered by equally enriching and uplifting surprises from both friends and loved one, and on some occasions, from myself.

In the past few months, I guess I can be proud to profess that I've successfully cancelled out several items on my bucket list; gaining a few more though to hopefully slash out in the future. 

Despite how everything seems to be falling apart for myself at the moment, I believe that in due time, everything will fall into their right place. Incidentally, I've been hooked on to a particular song by My Brightest Diamond, an indie sort of band that have twisted opera, rock and maybe some cabaret music together into an interesting blend of sound that seems to give off a Bjork-like impression on my memory. All Things Will Unwind, so far, is my favorite. And as the chorus would beckon, "Everything is in line, all things will unwind".

I am optimistic that this post will be the first of many others since an almost year long disappearance from the blogging sphere. Giving a written body to my thoughts, with hopes of immortalizing them in the confines of my internet-based ramblings wall. Pray, this goal proves sustainable given my present conditions.

Love Language

Going through the state of our relationships, my friend and I began talking about how different people express their love and how people would like to be loved. I guess this is one of the causes of some misunderstandings among couples because one has unmet expectations of how he or she wants to be loved - whilst his or her partner assumes that he or she is giving his/her fullest love to him or her. Apparently, they might be speaking and expecting two very different love languages.

Gary Chapman writes a book that delves into the Five Love Languages - Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch. Curious, I searched it up and interestingly found this little assessment on one's love language.
So above is my love language. Quality Time.. and receiving gifts..

It's quite accurate with my friend's assessment of my love priorities. I talk, you drop everything and say, "Yes dear, I understand." Road trips, stupid gimmicks, making memories. I like it when my partner gives attention to minor details like how I don't like catsup and how I got a little scar from who knows where. Well maybe that and.. that he'd willingly cushion my atomic bomb when I'm in PMS Hulk mode and be my emotional punching bag.

Thoughts on Love

"I am someone else when I'm with you, someone more like myself."
-- Original Sin

Hey Daydreamer

"We're in this Make-Believe reality, and baby it's just you and me...
Coz when reality comes to play you realize you couldn't make her stay"

A friend posted this link ages ago in Facebook and he asked me what I thought of it. Honestly, I didn't really stay long enough through the song to hear it out. Today, I chanced upon this song on the radio and it got stuck in my head. Only when I tried to search it did I realize it was the song he was talking about. Pinoy Owl City.

This totally is a story in my mind.
The Tiger and The Night Owl.
Nuff said.

Nervous Breakdown

"You know me all to well but you never had the chance
To find out who I really am, who I really am
I'm spinning round, I'm calling out
I'm gonna have a breakdown

I'm spinning round coming out I'm falling down
I'm spinning round coming out I'm falling I'm falling
I don't care, I don't care what you think of me right now
Cause I'm gonna have a breakdown"

How Often Must We Say "I Love You" Part 2

Having given attention to his initial ramblings on love, I was introduced to the second installment of his "How Often Must We Say "I Love You"" thoughts. Once again, dear old Caesar-Édouard Perrin has taken to his computer and typed down his love-driven realizations.

This time, he delves even further into his romantic side and offers bits of advice on how to treat a lady. Admittedly, there were various circumstances when I felt the abject loss of hope that a man could understand the workings in a woman's mind - that men feel women's desires lean at times, towards the impractical and the illogical. How often do I hear men frustratedly exclaim the hopelessness of understanding women, and women quite conversely feel the same way.

"There's a lot of hooraw about how love can be quantified by how often you say "I love you," among other methods, but that's not the true measure of love. Saying "I love you" can become as routine as brushing your teeth, or as automatic as switching on your turn signal as you drive. A lot of people make the mistake of oversimplifying the concept of love, or dismissing it entirely as something capricious and sophomoric. The fact is, love is complex, it is formed through a complex series of emotions, and people are emotionally complex.

I wrote "How Often Must We Say 'I Love You?'" after I saw a question on my news feed that went, and I paraphrase, "How often do you say I love you?" The comments beneath this post was a feeding frenzy of posturing, one-upmanship, cynicism and abject ignorance. I was deeply affected and saddened by it.

A lot of people seem to lack the creative thinking to tell the difference between consistency and monotony. A man can kiss his wife in the morning, tell her he loves her while on the 7:30am ferry from New Jersey to New York City, have hothouse flowers delivered to her doorstep without fail at noon, dinner at Le Bernardin after work, spontaneous, passionate lovemaking in bed, and offer another I love you before falling asleep, and the wife can still feel empty and unfulfilled.

Crazy? Let's see what the woman might be thinking: She might be thinking that her husband sees her as nothing more than a living, breathing barbie doll. He cares not for her opinion on anything, she once tried to offer him a home cooked meal which he ate absently and without relish despite the fact that 1) she spent the entire afternoon preparing it, and 2) it actually was really good. She dissolves into bitter tears while scraping off the remnants of his dinner from his plate. He tries to make up for his insensitivity by inviting her to dine at an expensive restaurant, not knowing that he was actually adding further insult to injury. He has NEVER hand-delivered flowers to her. They're all sent from his office. (A man would ask, what's the difference? At least she gets her goddamn flowers.) And while their lovemaking is pleasurable, in the end she always feels like a nautilus machine, something he straddles, works out strenuously, and finishes by gloating over his own "maleness."

What kind of situation have we got here? We have a woman who feels that her husband isn't stimulating that part of her that makes her feel "womanly." She feels like a plant; watered, spritzed, and occasionally turned towards sunlight. She wants to be able to take care of him, be the source of happiness, to make him laugh, to make him smile, to hold his hand during times when he's vulnerable yet heartrendingly endearing.

We have a man who thinks he's doing his duty as a loving husband because he hasn't missed a box on the checklist. He thinks that by establishing a certain number of romantic gestures daily, and by being complacent to her material needs, should be sufficient for her to feel loved. He blindly refuses to see her as a living, breathing person, and believes that to ask for more than what he feels is his capacity for "generosity" is outright ungrateful.

Love is never simple. If it were, we could buy a jar of the stuff at Costco and gorge ourselves silly with love until we're just about sick of it, and that simply is never the case.

There are men who understand the gravity and responsibility behind committed love, and there are those who just want a woman to confirm their masculinity, and there those who just want a good time.

Each part of us sends us different signals of desire, whether you are a man or a woman. Each part of us desires and requires one form of nourishment or another. The mind requires synergy. The soul requires security. The heart requires compassion. The body requires physical contact. It is important not to isolate any of the signals of desire but to combine them to form a unified goal. The idea is not to find a perfect partner, but to find a partner who has enough wisdom, emotional and intellectual competence, and empathy to know what a woman needs. There are too many men who pursue women with the wrong goals in mind, and there are too many women who misrepresent men, either by refusing to acknowledge their base nature, or by translating their own desires for the purpose of sculpting the man they want into something he isn't.

Love is meant to be built. It doesn't sculpt, chisel or alter anything. Certainly it makes things different, but it is not meant to take away anything from anyone. This is one of the reasons why I don't say a woman is "unavailable," or "taken." Call me a pedant, but I do not consider women to be possessions. They still have free will. As man proposes and God disposes, a man must prove and a woman must decide. Once the bond is formed, there is no such thing as incompatibility. There is only compromise, cooperation and mutual understanding. Without it, it is only a lofty form of hypocrisy which cannot be described as love, only a poor imitation of it."

Leo Buscaglia, a reknowned writer and commonly known as Dr. Love has written, "I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate - it's apathy. It's not giving a damn." Love is a constant giving of oneself, of being constantly thinking of the welfare of another more than of one's best interests. He adds, "Like any other living, growing thing, love requires effort to keep it healthy."

As an end note, Gloria Estefan sings, "Love on a Two-Way Street, Lost it on a lonely highway"."

How Often Must We Say "I Love You"

I was mindlessly wandering through my friends' profile pages when I chanced upon this interesting piece of reading that a friend of mine, Mr. Caesar-Édouard Perrin had composed. It caught my attention, as I feel there seems to be a scarcity of sensitivity and trivial sentimentality in the masculine psyche. His little mind adventure into the female emotional tendencies sparked an admiration on my end, for at times I find it rare that a man would bother himself with a woman's obsession over little, at times, inexplainably complicated way of perceiving things.

Thus, I requested his permission to export his Facebook note into my blog - perhaps for my reading convenience and also perhaps to aid propagate his epiphany.

"I feel that love is not necessarily best expressed in words. While it is most heartening to hear someone tell you that they love you, I feel that love should not be comprised of passing encounters or random fancies, but instead love should either be the cloud that you float upon, the pedestal that supports you, the blanket that comforts you. Love should be as constant and as all-encompassing as possible, and is best expressed not by three words, but by two: commitment, and consistency.

You wake. She sleeps. Kiss her eyelids. She may not know you did it, but her heart will remain warm for the rest of the day.

Got time to spare? Make her breakfast. Doesn't have to be fancy. Simple, sinful, the way she likes it. Butter. Maple syrup. Leave a rose on the tray.

You don't have to text her every five minutes, giving her the minutiae of your daily routine. You don't have to tack a poem on her fridge everyday before you walk out the door (although that would be nice once in a while). But you can be considerate. Try to be home when you say you will. If she asks you to pick something up on the way back from work, don't forget to come back with it. As often as possible you should make her feel like she is a part of your life. That she is important to you. Be considerate. Know her, understand her, feel for her. You're at the supermarket. Do you remember whether she likes dill or sweet pickles? Little things like these matter to a woman. If you remember what she likes, if you pay attention. Committed, consistent.

You don't have to bury her in balloons, greeting cards, roses, teddy bears and chocolates every time you return home. (Although now and then it would be very sweet of you to do so.) Instead, kiss her on the mouth, linger, and tell her with your eyes and your smile that you are glad to be home, that her arms around your shoulders are the solace that makes even the most tiresome day at work seem worthwhile.

Dinner. Ask her how her day was. Tell her how yours was. She cares for you, she wants to know how you've been. Be happy for her successes, concerned for her troubles, and be ready to defend her when you must. You are her knight, she is your princess; perhaps not in the lofty horse-drawn carriage castle-in-the-clouds Cinderella type way, but in the more prosaic 21st century concrete jungle manner, but that doesn't make knighthood any less romantic, or any less necessary. When a man loves a woman, the man means so much more to a woman than a man could ever hope to fully understand. When a woman loves, she remains a foundation of strength, a core of compassion and empathy. It is not so much that she wears her heart on her sleeve, but rather that she entrusts to her man the keystone of her foundation. For a man to fail a woman is to witness her collapse, and while she can indeed be rebuilt, for a woman is strong, what emerges from the detritus may not be the same woman.

Bed. Be her lover. Be her protector. As you take, so should you give. When you are both spent, don't let her go right away. The thin sheen of sweat that glistens upon your bodies will quickly grow cold, clammy and uncomfortable. Hold her. Do not abandon her to the soul-stabbing chill of isolation. Allow her to savor the afterglow of your mutual pleasures. And when she finally begins to drift into the land of dreams, whisper softly in her ear, "I love you." You may have only said it once today, but you will mean it, and she will believe you. Yours will be a love without uncertainty or trepidation. Hers will be a trust that will be founded upon your promise of commitment and consistency. You are her keystone.

She sleeps. She might not have heard you say you love her, but her heart will remain warm for the rest of the night."

As another dear friend of mine has oh-so-often, quite wisely expresses, "God is in the details".

It is in the minute and often discarded trimmings that bring a bit of meaning in certain acts. People have often bothered with packages more than the content. To me, specifically, an expensive store-purchased bouquet weighs exaggeratedly less in my heart next to a simple hand picked flower chosen specifically because of an underlying story between two people. As Anubis would weigh your heart against the feather of justice, it best be said that women tend to weigh a man's heart against the feather of sincerity and thoughtfulness.

Then again, I wish I can generalize for all - yet, women in current surveys have proven that money has increasingly improved a man's desirability in their eyes contrasted against that of love. Practicality comes into the picture and then love becomes quite an anomaly, perhaps a secondary and optional add-on to a successful relationship. This I would like to merely state, and leave hanging for the time being - best left for another day's discussion.

My Life Would Suck Without You

I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you

My 2011 Birthday Conversation

A: Happy Birthday, enjoying so far?
Kat: What's there to enjoy?

A: I dunno, gifts and greetings?
Kat: Hardly exceptional. It's just like all other days in the year.
You know that feeling when you're waiting for those big fireworks to happen on your special day...Newsflash, its a dud.

A: That's kinda sad.
Kat: There's nothing worth celebrating anyway.

A: Well, your life is something, I'm kinda glad this day came. It's a nice reminder that u were born and exist.
Kat: Nice try, thanks.

A: Hey, my life would suck without u, I'm sure.

.. And all was better.

2011 New Year Resolutions

With 2010 melted away like gel slithering stickily in our brains (okay, I don't know where that comparison came from) and 2011 giving a big yawn of salutations. It has become customary to pen down some long desired goals in the hope that the new year would provide the venue for one to put them into action. To begin, I'd like to list down my 2010 goals first and cross out the ones I accomplished.

2010 Goals
1. Get driver's license

Yes, it's official. Be afraid because I can legally drive around the streets. To those who personally know me, I think you know what this means.

2. Go on a photoshoot

Had two of these this year, so not bad. A and B

3. Go to Tagaytay with friends

Not exactly the group I had in mind, but I was still able to go with my GFAPY friends.

4. Backpacking adventure

Technically, this was the Antipolo trip with Marjorie. It's not a backpacking adventure but I guess it would do.

5. Go on a Visayas trip with Charley
This didn't push through due to financial and time constraints.

6. Lose weight.
Apparently I gained them all back.

7. Go out of the country

The He Hui Po Association decided to go to Taiwan for 2010 and boy that really helped me meet this goal.

8. Try my hand at photography again.


Visitations of the Past album. Yes!

Now for 2011.

I've decided to make my goals more specific and segregate them into five different categories to have a holistic sense of what I aim to do namely: (A) Lifestyle, Religious and Health, (B) Finances, (C) Family and Friends, (D) Leisure and (E) Personal/ Miscellenous goals. In general, I will be plotting out primary dates in my organizers as a reminder of these goals.

How to make sure I will follow my 2011 Goals
In order to make this year's goals more challenging, I decided to make a point system for myself in determining how well I will meet my goals and round all these up at the end of the year. Total score aimed for is 1000 pts.

My ratings will be as follows:
750 + It is a year well spent
500 - 750 Turn over resolutions to 2012. Try a little more.
250 - 500 It's like you didn't try. Average rating.
250 - A complete waste. Failure

So without further ado, let's welcome in my new set of goals for 2011.

2011 Goals

A. Lifestyle, Religious and Health:
1. Get back into Sports. Make it a weekly religion. (3 pt for every session)
2. Go to confession at least once per month. (5 pts for every session)
3. Reach and maintain a weight of 125 lbs. (15 pts)
4. Join a charity association or group. (10 pts)

B. Finances:
1. Deposit X amount per payday in personal savings account. (5 pts for every deposit)
2. Fill up the old and new KFC bucket coin bank. (15 pts per coin bank)
3. Save up to 10,000 Php of crispy bills. (10 pts per 10,000 Php)
4. Do not overspend.
5. Learn and invest in the stock market.(15 pts)

C. Family and Friends:
1. Treat the family out to a personally discovered restaurant. (5 pts)
2. Make a potluck/ picnic get together with friends.(5 pts)
3. In certain circumstances, when possible, drop everything and help someone in need.
4. Try to go to a people-skills related seminar. (10 pts)
5. Do something extra-ordinary for people that matter. (5 pts each)
6. Organize a whole family (with extended family) trip. Can be connected with Leisure 1 or 2. (10 pts)
7. Make peace with...

D. Leisure:
1. Go to a non-work related, non-association related trip out of Metro Manila. (10 pts)
2. Go to a non-work related, non-association related trip out of the country. (12 pts)
3. Go to Sagada and Banawe. This is not included in Leisure No. 1. (10 pts)
4. Optional: Go to Boracay, Palawan or Cebu. (BONUS: 5 pts for every location visited)

E. Personal/ Miscellaneous:
1. Drive to work and eventually, to Cavite. (10 pts)
2. Finish at least 1 book per month. (5 pts per book)
3. Enroll in a Chinese proficiency class. (10 pts)
4. Try to join a choir or take singing lessons. (1 pt per session)
5. Allot one day to relax and rejuvenate every month. (3 pts)
6. Join in a contest. (5 pts per contest, additional 10 if won)
7. Get 6-8 hours of sleep. Anything less is a deduction of 5 pts to the total score.
8. Get more practice in photography.
9. Join a fun run. (5 pts for every run)
8. Bonus: Cook Charley's gumbo and make Charley's mom's special ham. (5 pts each)

It seems like a hectic and goal laden year, but I am optimistic this will push me further into becoming better. I do hope I'd be able to stick with the point system though. It might be a struggle at first, but they do say, it takes 16 to 21 times of repeating an act to make it a habit.

Have you penned down your goals and resolutions yet?