Please, God.

God, please send me an angel of comfort with swift wings and is on a double espresso high.

Just Saying..

Honestly...

There is a difference between getting through and getting over something.

Take your pick.

Robbed

Car farts assaulting up my nostrils
As the uncouth engine of the jeepney whirred noisily
waiting to be aggravated into motion.

Radio was clamoring
"I like how it feels, oh-oh-oh-oh"

A lanky boy of maybe, nineteen
Slender and clean shaven
In his after work clothes
of a polo shirt and slacks
climbs onboard this clankity disgrace of a vehicle.

I like how it feels, oh-oh-oh.

He sits in front of me.
An innocent curve upon his lips
as he pulls out his fare pay
and cellular phone.

Giddily, it seems..
He presses away on his machine,
letter per letter
Eyes fixated on the text being birthed
onto the small glowing monitor.

With a final tap, he sends his message.
An unbridled scream of joy bursting from
within that innocent curve upon his lips
Awaiting intently for a response.

I like how it feels, oh-oh-oh-oh

To be young, and foolish and inlove.

"Para"
I called and got off the jeepney.

To be young, and foolish and inlove.
I like how it feels, oh-oh-oh.

Sigh.

04-30-12

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start

If only the secrets of life and all that pertains to it, can be deciphered through some sort of Konami Code that would allow me full access to all the potential shortcuts to get what I want, then that would be..

a boring, un-challenging life.

But at least, I'll win every time...

...or not.

Sadly, there is no cow level..

Goodbye, Love

Roger: Who are you to tell me what I know, what to do?
Mark: A friend.


Roger: But who, Mark, are you? "Mark has got his work", they say "Mark lives for his work and Mark's in love with his work" Mark hides in his work.
Mark: From what?


Roger: From facing your failure, facing your loneliness, facing the fact that you live a lie.
- Goodbye Love, Rent

In an attempt to drain myself to the point of mind-numbing exhaustion, I've volunteered my weekends (my, perhaps, only salvation to physical respite and mental defragmenting) to a seemingly overindulgent series of activities that would eventually merit me the burnout that I've, theoretically, deemed best for my present state of mind. High dosages of stress, both work related and otherwise, have already caused me a waning appetite for food and conversation, and I wonder how much further before I finally submit into the realm of complete withdrawal and depression. I guess my purpose for this seemingly self-destructive exposure is to drown out the annoying humdrum of my emotional confusion. In the state of tiredness, one is permitted the luxury of a peaceful rest, of a silenced mind, of a numbed-out soul.

During one of our midnight conversations, I've confessed to a friend my theory regarding feelings that subtly creep in the backdoor of your mind and go boogieing senselessly throughout the night. I've often wondered how in the light of day, I am mostly confident of myself, my abilities and most importantly, my decisions; but as the day kneels down to be blanketed by night, my steadfastness and confidence begin to shrivel into an abhorrent ball of self-pity and self-doubt. I begin to question the legitimacy and soundness of even the most logical of my decisions and at times, would act completely against my agreed mental terms (with myself), appeased disappointingly, though hopefully not regrettably, with a weak emotional justification. In the end, recognizing this to be a weak point, I've tried to keep my alone time as occupied as I possibly could, to detour my thoughts into other, less emotionally fueled workings - lest it be some creative work.

If only I can fashion a different and better approach in curbing this emotional avalanche from causing unspeakable destruction, believe me, I would've tried it.Lying in bed, surrounded by pillows and unspoken (and perhaps unrealized) emotions, I slowly become consumed in some of the craziest fantasies that often would prove impudent had it been conceived in the lucidity of day and clear headed contemplation. I begin to question my motives, my feelings and my decisions. I question my life and my achievements. I question reality, or the one that I seem to be existing in my physical state of consciousness.

It is in these moments, I feel the weight of being alone. My life is mine alone, and so shall all decisions that shall pass through me. I shall bear the burden of all my choices, and that is mine alone to comprehend and mother. In the absence of sleep, while everyone else have so happily succumbed to their rest, I struggle to achieve the same rest in vain, and this I would have to deal with alone. How often I have reached for the warmth of a hand to comfort me in my distress of insomnia, and how often I grasp an unresponsive one - increasing my frustration over my isolation, despite the presence of others.

Funny how people keep saying that no man is an island, for no man can be complete without the aid of others. But similarly, no man can depend upon others, as each one would go through the motions of his own personal tribulations - carrying his own cross, with all its weight and sentimental meanings, of which no other can completely share.

I wonder when this inexorable crush that's been choking me and thwarting my sanity will eventually subside. I wonder indeed. Until then, I shall be submitting myself in the service of my many niceties - smiling and praying that this internal loneliness shall too pass.

All Things Will Unwind

Coming back from my non-blogging sojourn, I realized how neglected my little epiphanies on life have become. Stagnating at the bottom of my brain, decomposing hardly into anything that can be passed off as fertilizer to fuel more healthy, provocative thoughts.

I must admit, since the past year, I've encountered several turns in the wheel of life. Quite a handful of devastating, heart wreaking incidents have crippled me for some period, but somehow tempered by equally enriching and uplifting surprises from both friends and loved one, and on some occasions, from myself.

In the past few months, I guess I can be proud to profess that I've successfully cancelled out several items on my bucket list; gaining a few more though to hopefully slash out in the future. 

Despite how everything seems to be falling apart for myself at the moment, I believe that in due time, everything will fall into their right place. Incidentally, I've been hooked on to a particular song by My Brightest Diamond, an indie sort of band that have twisted opera, rock and maybe some cabaret music together into an interesting blend of sound that seems to give off a Bjork-like impression on my memory. All Things Will Unwind, so far, is my favorite. And as the chorus would beckon, "Everything is in line, all things will unwind".

I am optimistic that this post will be the first of many others since an almost year long disappearance from the blogging sphere. Giving a written body to my thoughts, with hopes of immortalizing them in the confines of my internet-based ramblings wall. Pray, this goal proves sustainable given my present conditions.