Sometimes I wonder if being emotional is really a symptom of being a woman, or is it really a part of my nature to be this way. Although quite contrary to what most people (who possibly may not know me so well) observe - that I am highly cerebral with little feelings in my expressions - I am quite an erratic and unstable ball of emotions that could and would ricochet between extremes. Leaning possibly to being bi-polar. That, or I tend to indulge both mind and heart to express itself to its fullest potential, of which I can muster. It seems so easy to let my heart break and throw its tantrums, then in the next second, nonchalantly wipe my face into apathetic, emotionless absence and move on with my life.
Who am I fooling anyway? My mind is like a silent lover to my heart, quietly allowing my heart to nag and cry and beg and complain of its aches until it can calm down. Even when it feels strongly against the wills of the heart, my mind would, like a loyal lover, permit my heart to express itself (containing it only when it goes far beyond permissible), defending it with blind logic - you and me against the world.
This morning, I feel my heartstrings tugging at me. Like a random breakdown, I feel myself being sank down into a mild sadness. Such maladies are difficult to find a cure for, because it is not a physical rot that festers and aches - it is an intangible emotional decomposition that stinks but no one can smell, that breaks out that no one can detect, a unique pain that no medicine can cure, only sedate.
I find myself compelled to blog about a song I have written and composed a few months back with my band, Blue with Envy.
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Bottom Line
Verse I:
I've kept my thoughts,
Tightly bubble wrapped
Shielded behind cracking walls of lies.
I'm second guessing
Praying for a point, a map
Shifting between hello's and goodbyes
Cross stitching stories
So the truth won't scrape your knee.
You deserve far better, far better than me.
Refrain:
There are some things, best spoken in mute.
There are some songs, best sung in heart.
There are some things, best understood,
when we're finally apart.
Verse II:
I feared you'd open my Pandora Box,
All my demons would come haunt your wake
My words boomerang
Raining arrows and rocks
I need to let you go for your own sake.
You don't know I'm battling
My own swords to set you free
You deserve far better, far better than me.
Refrain
Bridge:
Let's get to the bottom line,
I don't think we're doing all that fine
I know you did your very best
Afraid I can't withstand this test.
You don't know I'm battling
My own swords to set you free
You deserve far better, far better than me.
Refrain
(WIP Version)
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Someone had once told me I shouldn't take sh*t from anyone. I should be able to stand up for myself. Conceding is a sign of weakness, so it seems. Possibly so. Strength is often associated with aggression, with fighting and defending. I do not question that. Though, sadly such can also work the other way. Aggression can be a sign of weakness - of desperation, of blindness, of insensitivity, of selfishness - how are those attributes strengths? How do you teach a person strength, when put in such vague a way as this?
Isn't it strength that a person can swallow his/ her pride after being told off and continue loving without question? Isn't it strength to quiet your heart from its childish selfishness and take a step back to avoid further conflict? Isn't it strength that even against your easiest desires to fall back into Milan Kundera's "vertigo", a temptation to return to what is convenient, easy (yet possibly.. unhappy), you stand your ground to push forward for what you think will be best? Isn't it strength to understand, despite and in spite, even when one is at a disadvantage? (because everyone deserves to be understood) Isn't it strength to have compassion, and yet withhold initial, instinctual services because it is believed to be for that person's eventual benefit?
Why do we hurt others? Is it because of strength (for that person's benefit) or weakness (selfish reasons)?
There are some things you have to let go. Not because you want to, but because you have to.
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