29 June 2010

A Brief Rigmarole

My strength and intellect find themselves slowly being eaten away by my day-to-day regimens without any form of enriching or improving the current state of my mind. None of my activities so far can come as close as to compare with my university years of daily discourse with fine minds and learned texts, my confident strides in achieving what I wish to accomplish, my haughty assurance in defending what I stand for.

Sitting across this flat screen of white, I am faced with a blankness of thoughts, a great chasm within my mind - I am at a loss of anything witty to say, of anything that is product of profound thought and meditation - such a luxury it is to have time to sit quietly and ponder relentlessly of life and its many branches; or to have an equally mindful companion with a parallel desire to broaden his perceptions on philosophical and intangible wealth. Such that the two of you can throw arguments at each other hoping one can return it with an anti-thesis to create a completely new concept worth further pondering upon.

And yet, when placed in such an occasion, challenged to be mentally able and quick witted, I find myself struggling helplessly to defend my side. It seems as if my points have turned into ideas that are far too complex to be articulated. My brain hangs in an almost non-functioning manner, and I would escape by gushing towards another topic. An exceedingly embarrassing show of my lack of practice in discourse.

I wonder if I can recapture myself in days of old, when my tongue loses tact and becomes wild with raging thoughts and fingers never sore from keying down all my defenses. My mind has grown placid - a kind of peaceful stagnancy that I fear must not be tolerated for a long period of time, or fear that I may forever be stuck in this pit of blindness.

Rekindling my love for books, I pray my inanity and simple mindedness would dissipate and in its place stand once again, my lucid, well-formed opinions.

I do not deny that in the course of my life, my pride in my intellect have won me many enemies and my lack of diplomacy has chained me to many unflattering memories, and yet - these are the things I hold dearly.

Should this state continue on, I fear that I would eventually be a ghost, of no significant opinion of anything, wandering mindlessly without a goal. I always believe this is merely a phase in my life, and I hope this is true. I desire my life to become something more than what it stands today, it does not represent much, it does not encapsulate much of what I had hope it to be.. But then, life must be taken a step at a time.

My friend, Rachel, had posted this in Facebook a few minutes ago and I loved the song enough to post it here.

I just feel so lonely. and empty... I wish you can understand me.

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