11 December 2008

Sharp Turn



Staring at her corpse or her funeral picture didn't leave me any sense of comfort. They were definitely a far cry from the animated woman she was when she was still alive. It was so cruel seeing her lying on the casket, unresponsive - completely departed from this busy, action filled reality we live in. Stiffened and cold and fading. This drastic change has left me at a lost, this reality still seems so difficult to fathom, difficult to swallow. Everyday I want to sit in front of my computer and type away my feelings, but I find myself indulging in less emotional activities avoiding any recollection lest it would leave me teary eyed at work.

Everything feels so surreal. Businesses continue to run and profit or dwindle in losses, people continue going to work, cars still honk away and overtake each other on the road, parties still take place, people still chatter away aimlessly in restaurants and coffee shops, while my world stopped - indefinitely - it feels like the fabric of my life has moved on to a completely different texture. It is not the same anymore. The world feels so cold and apathetic, and even words and gestures of condolence cannot amount to any form of satisfaction or relief - my life has taken a sharp turn and all I feel supposed to do is bear with it.

She had lived a good life, I keep telling myself and the memories we've shared will always remain etched in my heart. She had been an inspiration to me, and most of my decisions especially of late were chosen primarily for her appreciation. I've always feared these times, praying that God would delay this event to a later time. I wonder if he really heard my pleas. I have begged Him to take care of her, and give her strength.

My grandmother passed away last November 25, 2008 due to complications. Suffering from lymphoma since 2004, her diligence and perseverance has credited her an extra 4 years of life. We all thought she had succeeded over her illness - her will was beyond belief, her threshold for pain was remarkable. She'd overcome her pain without complaining, living with her ordeal patiently. Nobody anticipated that her life would end this abruptly.

I won't be elaborating on the details of this particular story, only that she was my strength and one of my best friends. I miss her so dearly.

----------------

Almost 5 years ago, I went on a China tour with my grandparents. One night, while my grandfather was out with his friends for a walk, I was left in the hotel room with my grandmother. She was tired from the day's walking and has decided to retire.

Our hotel room was a spacious area with two beds. My grandparents would sleep on one bed and I was assigned the other. As I lie in my bed, waiting for sleepiness to creep in, I had this sudden fear in my heart. I cannot fathom a life losing my grandparents, more so, my grandmother. Innocently, I asked my grandmother if I can sleep with her on her bed. Knowing I'm such a coward especially in the dark, she allowed me. I climbed onto her bed and laid down. I listened to her breathing as she slowly succumbed to sleep, then with her back onto mine, I hugged her from behind. She didn't stir, she didn't say anything, but I know she was still awake. I was so glad she didn't turn to look at me, because I remember that I was crying. After I felt relieved, I released my hug, and then fell asleep.

2 comments:

Joy-Anne said...

my condolences Kat.

Umma said...

My deepest condolence to you and your family Kat.. I can relate to your feeling of losing a loved one.

But Im glad you are back to blogging though the pain is still there..at least you will be able to release the emotions here.

Wishing you luck my dear, life must go on, I know... take care.