23 November 2008

I Am Depressed

It is becoming more frequent now. At this particular moment, I can only sense my loneliness, and the cunning shadow of depression folding its dark arms around me, giving me the comfort I can never find in anybody else. Although I do not want to admit it full heartedly, I believe that I am already struggling with bouts of depression - of which I believe I am fully responsible for. I have no right to point a finger at anybody else but myself for what I am currently experiencing, and yet it seems so much easier to lay down all the things that people have done to me to have caused me this tremendous grief and pain. Reason-wise, it is only I who translated these situations into sadness, and I know I can see situations in a rosier setting, but I stubbornly refuse to.

The line between my reason and emotions is slowly becoming alarmingly blurred, and I find myself struggling with emotional fits that I never had to deal with in the past. My reasons tend to be distorted by my feelings and it is really disturbing as I am beginning to lose the trust of my friends - most of all, I am losing my trust in myself. I cannot explain why I cry so often, why I feel like stabbing myself and wishing I'd just fade away into nothingness. I am supposed to be way past teenage emo-ness and exaggerations, and yet, here I am wishing I'd disappear so I can pinpoint the people who have really placed value and worth in who I am.

The world does not revolve around me. I am aware of that, but at the same time, I cannot understand why my emotions cannot understand that. It controls my thoughts at times that I end up shutting down from everything and everyone. My emotions are laden with pride and I struggle everyday to overcome that. My obsession with minute details is becoming overwhelming, and has somehow also taken over my life. I am bothered by trivial matters, things that shouldn't necessarily be heeded. The menial fact that someone didn't ask to be photographed with me, whilst she did with the rest of the group, ideally shouldn't bother me as much as it does. The fact that everybody's name is listed in her group of friends and my name was absent shouldn't be a reason to doubt our friendship - but right now, it does. The simple fact that someone had to do something else whilst I had quite a traumatic episode to talk about shouldn't mean it would erase her concern - but for a while, it felt dramatically that way. Heaven knows how much these details mean to me right now - and it's driving me crazy and making me such an obnoxious individual.

This afternoon, my eyes were swollen struggling with my pride and my lack of self-esteem. Ironic that these two would have to mix in my person. Sometimes I wish I can be like normal people who does not feel boxed into a set of ideals, but I feel lost without these ideals. As much as I'd like to be liberated, I find comfort in knowing my direction and it pains me to have to lose sight of where I want to be.

Artists are usually labeled as misunderstood mavericks, defending themselves and their art to many unbelievers and critics - trying to stand a name for themselves, trying to prove their vision. Artists struggle with bouts of depression because nobody can enter their realm of thought, and they have to overcome their loneliness by themselves. They are castrated from society because most of the time, their ideals and lifestyles are far too radical for the usual everyday lay man. I feel that castration, and it is tangible, and I feel it crushing my insides.

I wish I can bleed everything I feel, and feel everything I bleed. I know there are some who take efforts in comprehending me, giving me advice and the like, and I know they've often called me stubborn. One who doesn't listen. I credit them for pointing that out, but sometimes I just don't need advice, I just want someone who'd listen to me just rant, rant, rant and bitch out. I also want to be needed, because apparently, I don't feel as wanted as I hope I should be (then again, it is my pride). I want to be able to need someone, and depend on them constantly and consistently. If I can have an inflatable buddy, or an invisible friend who'd always be present whenever needed, that would be fantastic - unfortunately, for human friends that is not exactly feasible.

I guess this entry is a confession of my weakness, because being human I am entitled to my faults. This is a very selfish entry and I am sure whoever is reading this may find me irritating, confusing and hard headed. I respect that. This entry is not meant to explain, it is my tool to communicate my current state and feelings, which may not even be relevant after a few hours. I won't be reviewing this as it is a product of pure emotions. I just feel utterly depressed right now and I just want to share what I feel. I need to get over this soon.


D said...

Hi Kat, first off, let me say that I don't find your post to be selfish or irritating. It is confusing, yes, but then, the root of depression is often hard to pinpoint. I myself sometimes get depressed too and often wonder, what is it really that I am depressed about? There are often a lot of factors that play in part which contributed to it. But Kat, you are not alone. Everybody goes through bouts of depression. You'd think that because you are an adult and way past the teenage period you won't feel that way anymore, but you still do. I still do. I think we all still do. But let me make a suggestion. Why not view it as a way of God calling you back to him? Maybe it is HIS way of reminding you of how far you have strayed from HIM already and it is time for you to have that heart to heart talk with him again- PRAYER. Lift up your concerns to him Kat. As one quote say, "The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor." If you have nowhere else to go and nobody else to talk to, then get down on your knees and unload everything to HIM. He will listen and you won't be judged. I hope I have helped. This may sound like a cliche, but I really do understand how you feel because I have been there myself, and my only shield really is Prayer. I hope and pray that you will be able to overcome this. God bless you.

Anonymous said...

y don't u take a break for a while?
a day's rest or few days vacation?
wala lang, to have more time to think and sort things out



dhalia said...

hey miss it might be hormones baka malapit na monthly period mo hehehehe joke!!! peace girl!!!

niko said...

ow dear.

i hope you are feeling ok now.

pray for you!

Kwagoo said...

Thanks everyone for your concern.. I really appreciate all the comments and prayers and good wishes... *hugs

It's possible.. haha

pchi said...

hi kwagoo!

i think i've experienced that

I think I am now :-) haha

but dhalia's right

it might be because of PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome)

or you might have unresolved issues

but let's be positive! in the end, we don't solve anything by worrying or thinking so hard abt something

cheer up!

merry christmas!