I Am Depressed

It is becoming more frequent now. At this particular moment, I can only sense my loneliness, and the cunning shadow of depression folding its dark arms around me, giving me the comfort I can never find in anybody else. Although I do not want to admit it full heartedly, I believe that I am already struggling with bouts of depression - of which I believe I am fully responsible for. I have no right to point a finger at anybody else but myself for what I am currently experiencing, and yet it seems so much easier to lay down all the things that people have done to me to have caused me this tremendous grief and pain. Reason-wise, it is only I who translated these situations into sadness, and I know I can see situations in a rosier setting, but I stubbornly refuse to.

The line between my reason and emotions is slowly becoming alarmingly blurred, and I find myself struggling with emotional fits that I never had to deal with in the past. My reasons tend to be distorted by my feelings and it is really disturbing as I am beginning to lose the trust of my friends - most of all, I am losing my trust in myself. I cannot explain why I cry so often, why I feel like stabbing myself and wishing I'd just fade away into nothingness. I am supposed to be way past teenage emo-ness and exaggerations, and yet, here I am wishing I'd disappear so I can pinpoint the people who have really placed value and worth in who I am.

The world does not revolve around me. I am aware of that, but at the same time, I cannot understand why my emotions cannot understand that. It controls my thoughts at times that I end up shutting down from everything and everyone. My emotions are laden with pride and I struggle everyday to overcome that. My obsession with minute details is becoming overwhelming, and has somehow also taken over my life. I am bothered by trivial matters, things that shouldn't necessarily be heeded. The menial fact that someone didn't ask to be photographed with me, whilst she did with the rest of the group, ideally shouldn't bother me as much as it does. The fact that everybody's name is listed in her group of friends and my name was absent shouldn't be a reason to doubt our friendship - but right now, it does. The simple fact that someone had to do something else whilst I had quite a traumatic episode to talk about shouldn't mean it would erase her concern - but for a while, it felt dramatically that way. Heaven knows how much these details mean to me right now - and it's driving me crazy and making me such an obnoxious individual.

This afternoon, my eyes were swollen struggling with my pride and my lack of self-esteem. Ironic that these two would have to mix in my person. Sometimes I wish I can be like normal people who does not feel boxed into a set of ideals, but I feel lost without these ideals. As much as I'd like to be liberated, I find comfort in knowing my direction and it pains me to have to lose sight of where I want to be.

Artists are usually labeled as misunderstood mavericks, defending themselves and their art to many unbelievers and critics - trying to stand a name for themselves, trying to prove their vision. Artists struggle with bouts of depression because nobody can enter their realm of thought, and they have to overcome their loneliness by themselves. They are castrated from society because most of the time, their ideals and lifestyles are far too radical for the usual everyday lay man. I feel that castration, and it is tangible, and I feel it crushing my insides.

I wish I can bleed everything I feel, and feel everything I bleed. I know there are some who take efforts in comprehending me, giving me advice and the like, and I know they've often called me stubborn. One who doesn't listen. I credit them for pointing that out, but sometimes I just don't need advice, I just want someone who'd listen to me just rant, rant, rant and bitch out. I also want to be needed, because apparently, I don't feel as wanted as I hope I should be (then again, it is my pride). I want to be able to need someone, and depend on them constantly and consistently. If I can have an inflatable buddy, or an invisible friend who'd always be present whenever needed, that would be fantastic - unfortunately, for human friends that is not exactly feasible.

I guess this entry is a confession of my weakness, because being human I am entitled to my faults. This is a very selfish entry and I am sure whoever is reading this may find me irritating, confusing and hard headed. I respect that. This entry is not meant to explain, it is my tool to communicate my current state and feelings, which may not even be relevant after a few hours. I won't be reviewing this as it is a product of pure emotions. I just feel utterly depressed right now and I just want to share what I feel. I need to get over this soon.