15 June 2009

7 Months

It has been almost 7 months since that fateful night when I was awaken from my sleep by the loud pounding on my bedroom door. It was past midnight and mom was frantically calling me to wake up. When I finally opened the door, the first thing she told me was, "Wala na si Ama. (Grandma has passed away)". There were a few pregnant seconds when all my emotions began to build up, my shock rendered me generally blank as my brain slowly marinated and absorbed the thought. I was in complete disbelief; feeling like I was bordering actuality and fantasy - that this is not the sort of thing that happens for real.

It has been almost 7 months since I last slept in my room - avoiding the memories the room bore upon me. For the past 7 months, I slept with my grandfather, accompanying him - supposedly comforting him in these trying times, but to be honest, his company too was what I needed during those times when I felt so devastated - I cried a lot of times hiding my tears from my family, lest they evoke more feelings of sadness among everyone. But now, for some reason, I decided that I should be ready to move on.

Last Thursrday, I moved back to my room to play host to my best friend sleeping over. I had no intention of going back and sleeping there longer than that one night, I have no idea what caused me to consider returning to my room for good. Tonight is the third night I get to sleep alone in my room since my grandma's demise and now, my memories are returning and haunting me as I have feared - so I take to my blog and write my feelings out.

The heaviest recollection I feel at this moment is the learning of my grandmother's demise. The moment always seems so vivid in my memory, that the mere thought of it evokes a picture loaded with so many distraught emotions and thoughts that don't want to settle calmly. Of course, there are plenty of happy times too - of times when I'd be so tired from work that I'd fall asleep on my bed with all the lights on, and my grandma would come in and close the lights, leaving the dim one open since she knows I don't like sleeping in the dark. I remember the times when she'd just come in my room to call me to dinner or inform me that she prepared some medicinal drink that I can share with her. I remember her telling me that she'd one day instruct my aunt that the room will be mine and I'd get to decorate and fix it the way I want. I remember hearing the television outside my room as she would watch her 8 o clock Taiwanese series or her favorite game shows: The Price is Right, Wheel of Fortune and Double Jeopardy - I'd often go out and sit beside her until dinner is ready and we'd go down and have dinner together. I remember her telling me to sleep with just the windows open so I won't need to open the air conditioner. I always remember her standing by the dressing table whenever she would have last minute instructions for me. I remember the way she would say my name and tell me good night. I remember her going in my room, scouting for things I would need or replenishing the almost used up toiletries. I remember the way I would hold her hand even when I was a little girl when I can't fall asleep - and she'd tell me to chant her Buddhist rosary - painfully, it was the same thing I was doing as we watched her body being embalmed.

It's been 7 months but the memories are still painful. It's been 7 months and I still cannot believe that this has happened. It's been 7 months and I still keep telling myself that she's just away - the way she would always go out of the country for some trip coming home with lots of presents for us, especially for me. It's been 7 months and I still miss her like anything. I miss my Amah so much.


Chachoy said...

Hugs and kisses from Hon... <3
I'll take care of you babe.

Kwagoo said...

Awww.. sweet ni hon.. <3 haha

Anonymous said...

Miss her terribly, too. Dreams of her give me comfort. But now I think it is better she went ahead... I don't think I can bear to see her going through the pain of a loss that we are experiencing. R

Kwagoo said...

Yes, that is true. In a way, at least she is no longer suffering. Still hurts whenever I remember her though - I can't look at our pictures without crying. It's just so different without her around.

ersamson said...

*sigh* I know how you feel.